Short Stories

A Mexican, Polack, Black, Italian, a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Nun walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of Joke?"

WHAT DO MEN AND BEER BOTTLES HAVE IN COMMON?THEY ARE BOTH EMPTY FROM THE NECK UP!!!!!!!

Q: what is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An irishman who likes wemon better than whisky

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: How can you tell if you're wasted?
A: When there are traces of blood in your alcohol stream

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.

Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:

1. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass
2. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
3. You're as jober as a sudge
4. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
5. You fall off the floor
6. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up

Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

A pony walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What's the matter with you?" I'm just a little horse!

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

Q: whats the difference between a Indian sqaw and a Indian Princess?
A: about 5 beers

Q: What do you call 1 white man surrounded by 20 indians?
A: Bartender.