A man walked into
a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
replied the bartender.
the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer
for my 'gator."
was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a
cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other
was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer
milking the cow.
If you laid all
of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the
equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave
countryman between two lawyers is like a fish
between two cats.
A housewife, an
accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is
accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let
me run those figures through my spreadsheet one
lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks
in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to
A man went to a
brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of professional brain
offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks
"How much for
"3 dollars an
"How much for
"4 dollars an
"How much for
lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know
how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce
grade school teacher was asking students what their
parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she
said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood
up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's
wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood
up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
"What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly
stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly
changed the subject to geography. Later that day
she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an
explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an
attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a
The Pope and a
lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly
Gates. After a small quantum of time which was
spent discussing their respective professions, ol'
St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new
Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps,
halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to
their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the
welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
(cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate
with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending
eternity, (at least until the end of
the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place
like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
(He's from south Italy)
flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the
landscape below begins to appear more and more
mundane until they finally land on a street lined
with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third
walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and
turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The
Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries
What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in
a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of
terra-firma, end up with this
Pete looks at
the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old
fellow, this street is practically encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many times and religions.
We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an
estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer
to make it up here!!"
seem to have more than the average share of
intelligence for a man of your background," sneered
the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the
compliment," replied the witness.
A woman and her
little girl were visitng the grave of the little
girl's grandmother. On their way through the
cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked,
"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you
tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and
an honest man.'"
Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when
they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who
gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three
are mythological creatures.
At a convention
of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have
switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that
lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab
assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our
test results to human beings."