reasons why beer is better than women
1. You can enjoy
a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always
pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still
worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with
beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and
18. You always know that you are the first one to
pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to
nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars
and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the
shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room'
with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or
73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell
"carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply
because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch
of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious
Michelin commercials with the babies are
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells
kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing
like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have
your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when
you go to the store.
There was a bar
advertising a contest and a man walked in to find
out what the contest was for. The bartender said it
is for anyone who could make my horse laugh wins
fifty dollars. So the man asked where the horse was
the bartender said out back in the barn. The man
went out to the barn when he returned he told the
bartender the horse was laughing the bartender went
out and sure enough the horse was. About a month
later the same man was passing the bar and they
were having another contest and the man wanted to
see what it was so he went in. The bartender said
the horse had not stopped laughing since he was
last there. The new contest was for who could make
him stop got 100 dollars. The man went to the barn
and came back and told the bartender that the horse
was crying and the bartender went to check. When he
returned he paid the man and asked how he had done
that. The man replied that the first time I told
the horse i had a bigger dick than he did, the
second time i proved it.
A skeleton walks
into a bar one night and hops on a stool. The
bartender asks "What'll ya have?" The skeleton says
"get me Miller Lite." So the bartender gets him his
beer and says "anything else?" The skeleton says
Pat comes home
late one night and knocks on the door and his wife
answers"Is that you Pat?. He answers "Yes it is
me." She asks and all you drunk Pat? and he answrs"
So Am I"
on Beer and Drinking
You can't be a
real country unless you have a beer and an airline;
it helps if you have some kind of a football team,
or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you
need a beer.
Always do sober
what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
He was a wise man
who invented beer.
Time is never
wasted when you're wasted all the time.
A woman drove me
to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
Sir, if you were
my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you
were my wife, I would drink it.
If God had
intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
Work is the curse
of the drinking class.
When I read about
the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Beer is proof
that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach
total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza.
The problem with
the world is that everyone is a few drinks
Why is American
beer served cold? So you can tell it from
People who drink
light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee alot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman
who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I would kill
everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Not all chemicals
are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make
water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I drink to make
other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink
beer will think beer.
man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk
if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
All right, brain,
I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with